Before there are shrieks of incomprehension from the literal-minded, a word of explanation. Whether there is such a ministry or whether you occupy the top job is irrelevant in our fantasy world. You exist, even if you find few occasions to express yourself, and, like any Member, you could have a large role in pushing for good government. Besides, Epi never wishes anyone to feel left out and, in these days of equality, as the Dodo Bird once advocated, all shall receive prizes. Let us imagine for a moment that you held a really important post, even if you don’t have degrees from Oxford and Paris, and that you were in charge of the good functioning of government. What would be your priorities?

The first thing would be to get rid of non-performing ministers, although that might mean reducing the size of the Cabinet in view of the limited amount of talent – on either side of the House. Mind you, now could be a good time for transfers as the season’s still open; costs would be much lower than for footballers. However, it might be easier to dispose of dis-functionaries, starting with those who haven’t got their act together for Independence Day, hovering like a cyclone in the wings. Indeed, given the large budget allocated and the little money dedicated to performers’ fees, it might lead you to dealing with the problems of cronyism, communalism and corruption as well as incompetence.

Given vague hints about a Freedom of Information Bill, there may be an intention to introduce one –probably just before the next general election. As Admirables love gambling, whether on horses or currency fluctuations, you could open a parlour as a side-line. You could place a large bet now on the timing and make a killing by introducing a bill immediately, when the odds are as long as Leicester winning the league again.

You may well wonder why we’re talking of Good Government when there’s already Good Governance, but that’s a more limited concept that’s had as little impact as Maurice Ile Durable – fine words but few deeds. Good government might have meant the country was better prepared to deal with the water problem. Ivan seems to have cracked the problem of the reservoirs. He hasn’t been daydreaming as his critics allege but has been busy praying for rain, as recommended by his predecessor. Zeus at least clearly loves him. No wonder so many prayers waft through the air here as it’s easier than trying to communicate with bureaucrats, and is now scientifically proven to be just as effective.

The current problem, however, is with the water not in the reservoirs. We could discuss for ages whether a top-down or bottom-up approach is best, but think perhaps of Eros, who couldn’t care less what posture is adopted or by whom and with whom. Given the inertia of the state apparatus, it may be better to start at the bottom and deal with dumpers and litter louts. As execution might disturb squeamish souls, castration could be a useful deterrent as there’s nothing males fear more. As Eros’ arrows have shown, targets are important so, as the Police like quotas, that could be extended to policemen who don’t catch at least six litterlouts daily. That would also reduce the strain on sex workers. Surely it’s time to take les mesures qui s’imposent rather than following the American idea of shutting down the public sector?

Yours sincerely,

Epi PHRON