Of all jobs, farming is the one most affected by climatic conditions, in farmers’ minds a government problem. At least in ancient times, people understood that good or bad weather was a direct result of godly not human intervention. Global warming is of course the gods’ revenge on mortals for destroying Gaia’s carefully created infrastructure. Instead of arguing about what to do – or not to do – it might be a good idea to take a step back. The root problem is over-population, whether of bats or men, and industrial and other revolutions that never anticipated side-effects. There’s now blind faith in a technological revolution that will help the human race avoid extinction, just as it could solve the Irish border problem. Welcome to cloud-cuckoo land! It’ll just create other problems

I asked Gaia what she thought about the rumour that the earth can’t sustain a population of more than four billion. The ancestral mother of all life is not amused. “Mortals are only interested in pillaging the resources we’ve given them. They think they’re the cleverest generation ever but most of them can’t see further than their noses, however long they are. They’ve got themselves into this mess; they can get themselves out of it.” But mortals aren’t very good at thinking out of the box and, even when they do, they pick on Pandora’s. But Epi and the gods won’t abandon you as we’ll be made redundant if mortals are wiped out.

Imperial scientists think they’ve found a way to eliminate anopheles gambiae, the brand name for the most effective malarial vectors. However, mortals are a long way from fully understanding how species interact and, even if the scientists only target one kind of mosquito, how sure are they of what the side-effects might be? Overall, mosquitoes are a food source for some fish and birds, and their larvae feed on the muck that clogs surface water and deprives plants below of the nitrogen and oxygen they need. They can even act as plant pollinators. Maintaining biodiversity should surely be the aim rather than repeating the discredited Dodo methodology.

Malthus was before his time but now his prophecies are coming home to roost. You’ll of course be wondering what Agriculture can do to tackle the people problem. A contrarian view could be considered. Encouraging mosquitoes might help as they’ve been thinning animal populations for millions of years and, more recently, its human sector. There’s no more efficient way to reduce greenhouse gases. If you won’t help, taxi drivers – as another species threatened with extinction – can teach them the necessary techniques to blackmail the government into granting them breeding grounds.

Alternatively there’s the death penalty – and there’s no need to limit it to child killers. The threat of execution could be an effective way of wiping out corruption and perhaps those who fail to implement their electoral promises. On his next trip, the Emir might solicit the Prince – if he’s not been bumped off by journalists – to select a few butchers; they might even be able to return with him by private jet. They could practise by chopping off the fingers and hands of thieves and drug dealers. Except that hard drugs in themselves are a good way of reducing the population. As Newton pointed out, every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

Over-population is the kind of problem governments find difficult to tackle so we’ll look at further options next time. In the meantime you might like to consult your colleagues to see if they have any ideas…