Trying to convey a little thoughtfulness is always an uphill task, which is perhaps why the gods sit on mountaintops. Unfortunately, mortals become brain-dead when people praise them, forgetting that well-wishers are those who tell them what they mightn’t want to hear. It’s the difference between sycophants and true friends. So please don’t confuse daemones with demons but think of me rather as a spirit – and not just because of my penchant for Famous Grouse when ambrosia is in short supply. Of course all grouses, famous or otherwise, may soon be condemned as agaçant unless someone can convince the courts that they are in fact birds. Mind you, that might be difficult as the plural of grouse is grows, which explains why Brexiteers have such a high sense of superiority – there’s no other language quite like English, however Kreol some may find it.

But to the point. It’s clearly time for a dose of WT&P. Things seem to have gone a bit off the rails. The misfits you may have to face in several months’ time seemed unelectable for a variety of reasons. In some respects at least, your regime has a comparatively good record but a spate of distractions has left the race wide open. Mind you, cynics might argue that, given the politicos on offer, it might be time to bring back Pericles.

The shite hasn’t just been hitting Rose Hill but also the authorities, sometimes below the belt – but where else is it likely to strike? Now this rag’s also been covered in excreta, although no mention’s been made of the Olympos Chronicle. A pity as it might have helped sales. It’s worth remembering that, despite the increase in fake news, hoi polloi trust the media more than politicians.

The suspicion on the mountainsides is that red devils have managed to infiltrate your kitchen and other staff with saboteurs. How else to explain the decision to make political speeches and inelegant attacks on individuals during socio-cultural events? The accaparement of such platforms has been far from a spectacular success. To make things worse, it now seems someone’s had the bright idea of appointing yet another director at the MBC from the Pyongyang School of Journalism. Perhaps it’s just to remind people how bad things used to be, in which case now is the perfect moment to find someone able to read and understand the MBC Act. Your inner circle might cast their minds back to when, four years ago, the Sage proved how much Admirables detested the constant mention of you-know-who. 

A statesmanlike pose is far more effective than invective, which many find more than a trifle énervant. Still, all is not yet lost. Admitting that the wording of the recent legislation might be imperfect would take the wind out of your opponents’ sails. You can always blame the drafters. You could also quickly slip in a Freedom of Information Bill and, to cap it all, fast-track the introduction of an independent TV channel – while you can still help the selection process. In fact, you might take a leaf out of the Anse-la-Raie protestors and start hugging journalists, even if the #MeToo movement starts hurling allegations of abuse. If at times it seems you can never win in politics, there’s nothing like carrying out more of your election promises to woo the voters. To further enhance your image and show how much you’re on the ball, you could even hug some of your opponents. They wouldn’t know which way to turn – and it would give journalists something else to speculate about.